1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?

A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.

鱼网

你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？ 老师发问道。

把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？ 妈妈问。

妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后

Joke:Women

A Sikh, an Italian & a Frenchman were drinking in a pub when the subject of

WOMAN came up in their conversation.

The Italian said, in Italy we treat the woman like a guitar. We press the top & tickle the bottom.

The Frenchman said, in France, we treat the woman like cognac. We smell first & then lick slowly. What about the woman in your country,

Mr Singh?

The Italian asked.

In our country, we treat the woman like a record. First we play the front &/when we finish, we flip it over & play the back.

1 A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。

2 A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she , has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?

Please, teacher,said a small boy,I've make someone glad yesterday.

Well done. Who was that?

My granny.

Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.

Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!

一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”

“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

“做得好，是谁呢？”

“我奶奶。”

“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”

“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！

3 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.

Like a gentleman? Dick asked. How do gentlemen do it?

They always give the bigger piece to the other person. answered his aunt at once.

Oh said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,Cut this cake in half, Catherine..

迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。

孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”

迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”

他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”

迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”

4 Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

Stan: In the bathroom 。

Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

Stan: Blindfold them!

斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。

弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？

斯丹：浴室。

弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？

斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！

5 George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ”

“ No,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ”

“ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ”

乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ”

“ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ”

“ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？

Husband: Did you sew the button on my shirt, darling?

Wife: No, dear. I couldn't find the button, so I just sewed up the buttonhole.

丈夫：你给我把扣子缝好了吗，亲爱的？

妻子：没有，亲爱的。我找不到扣子，所以我只把扣眼儿给缝上了。

Father and son

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

儿子：爸爸，听说在非洲的一些地方男人在结婚前根本不认识他的妻子。

父亲：孩子，实际上所有的国家都是这样的。

A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it .She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes.Frantically, she called to the father outside.

Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do ?

Yelled back the father ,Keep feeding him nickels!

母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道：

“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？“

孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚五分镍币！”

But the teacher cried

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?

Cry? John asked. No, I didn’t cry, but the teacher did!

可是老师哭了

六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”

“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.

学校即将开始性教育课程，每个学生都要先回去证得父母的同意，方能学习此课程。一个小男孩把他父母的同意纸条交给老师说：“我妈妈说了，只要这个课没有家庭作业，我就可以上。”

Brown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor?

Smith: Yes, I'm having three baths a day.

Brown: What for?

Smith: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read: One tablespoonful to be taken three times a day in water.

布朗：见到你身体这么不好真令人难过.你去看过医生吗?

史密斯：看过,我现在已经在一天洗三次澡.

布朗：为什么?

史密斯：我也不知道,这是医生的嘱咐.他给了我一些药并告诉我要按照药瓶上的说明去做.说明上面写着一天三次在水中服一汤匙.

A woman got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was to take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, a lady－one of the woman's friends came over and asked what she was doing.

I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.

Duh you have to roll up the windows first!

一位女士把车撞了一个坑,于是就去修车。

修理工决定幽她一默。他告诉她,她只需把车开回家,然后从排气管里往车里吹气,直到凹陷处自己鼓起来。

这位女士如法操作了15分钟。这时,她的一位女性朋友来拜访她,并问她在做什么。

“我正在试着让那个坑鼓起来,但这个办法似乎并不管用。”

“嗯……你必须先把车窗摇上去！”

A smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit,Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities.

His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,It’s impossible --you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed!

Then the boy opened his mouth --he had not a tooth left!

小男孩儿看完牙医，面带微笑地回到家：“嘿，妈妈，牙医说，我一颗蛀牙也没有。”

妈妈惊讶地瞪大眼睛：“不可能??你每回上床睡觉前都把巧克力盒子里的糖一下子吃完，而且从来不刷牙！”

这时，男孩儿张开了嘴巴??他的牙全被拔光了。

That's what I want to find out

-- We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him?

-- Well, I don't know. Does he bite?

-- That's what I want to find out.

-- 我们又得到了一只新狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？

-- 哦， 我不知道。他咬人吗？

-- 这正是我想要知道的。

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: Wake up, sir!

I wasn't asleep, the man answered.

Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.

I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car.

当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”

“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。

“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”

“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”

Different Audience

Al Smith was governor of New York State． He was a fa mous man． He was born very poor on the East Side of New York City． He had little education． He worked very hard and won great success．

One day， as governor， he was visiting the state prison at Sing Sing． Sing Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States． The head of the prison asked Mr． Smith to say some thing to the prisoners． Mr． Smith had never spoken to thiskind of audience before．He did not know how to begin．

Finally， he said，“My fellow citizens…．” Then he re mem bered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen． He began again．“My fellow prisoners…．” That did not sound right， so he said：“Well， anyway， I'm glad to see so many of you here today．”

阿尔·史密斯是纽约州的州长。他是个名人。他出生在 纽约市东部的一个穷苦家庭。他读书不多，但是他工作勤奋， 终于获得了很大的成就。

有一天，作为州长，他访问星星州立监狱。星星监狱是全美国最大的监狱之一。监狱长请史密斯对囚犯们说几句话。史密斯先生以前从来没有对这一类听众讲过话。他不知道该怎样开口。

最后，他说：“我亲爱的公民们……”接着他想起一个人蹲进监狱就不再是公民了。他重新开始：“我亲爱的囚犯们……”那听起来也不对劲儿，于是他说：“噢，无论如何，今天在这儿见到你们这么多人，真是太高兴了。”

路过