一、笑掉牙的趣闻(新闻)

一次文艺晚会，主持人上台报幕：下面请欣赏：新疆歌舞，掀起你的头盖骨！毛骨悚然！！！！！ 上高中时，课堂纪律混乱，老师一怒之下揪起XXX，说：XXX,你给我站墙上去！~~全班暴寒！ 我们宿舍一个人喝多了要去尿尿然后带出一句冷话：尿喝多了，酒就特别多． 买橘子，老板：一块五一斤。我：太贵了，五块钱三斤吧。老板：不行不行。 初中文艺晚会，抢答题环节。 女主持：“大家注意了，不要抢的太快。等我说完开始再举手” 然后开始念题目，说，“现在开。。。” 这时候，一个选手就抢答了。主持人就说“这位同学太着急了一点。我‘始’（屎）还在口里，你怎么就抢了？” 有一天一个电话找我同学接完递给我说：“你妈找你。”我一边接过电话一便随口说到：“男的女的” 有一次寝室里同学的老妈打电话过来我习惯说“他不在”，但是这一次我想说的的是“已经出去了”结果说出来是：“他已经…不在了” MM递给我一根冰糕，我咬一口大叫：“烫死我了！” 和我姐姐去李宁买鞋，我姐一开口：“小姐，这鞋多少钱斤？” 高中时每人发个胸牌。。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来查拉。。全场鸦雀无声。。。 一次教育局领导视察课间操，结束后，本应由体育老师宣布“解散”，但一时情急，忘词了，憋了半天，大喊：“撤退！” 高中有一老师姓江，酷似罗家英（演大话西游唐僧的），我去问他问题，脱口而出：“唐老师，这题……” 有一老师大概通宵麻将，见黑板没擦，大怒：“今天谁做庄啊？黑板都不擦！” 老师留下作业，我不会做就抄别人的，然后去办公室交作业，看见老师说：“我抄完了！” 以前别人来我阿姨家作客，刚进门的。刚好我阿姨要去上厕所。她连忙招呼客人说：“你们坐哈坐哈，我去厕所给你们倒点茶喝！”

二、收集英语故事、新闻、笑话？

给你两个网站

三、最近什么新闻最搞笑？

韩国一女播报员 在播一则火灾新闻的时候笑出声 结果引起了韩国民众的愤慨

四、有没有关于地球环境的搞笑新闻资料，跪求：），快快快

世界地理100问活动已经落下了帷幕，本次活动得到了广大玩家的大力支持，可以看出，现在的游戏爱好者们，除了对游戏的热情之外，更有无尽的求知欲望，现在对于玩家的答卷评分正在紧张的进行中，在阅卷的过程中，发现了许多的爆笑回答，现在就来和大家一起分享其中的一部分。

十大爆笑回答第10名

问题：著名的卢浮宫位于哪座城市（ ）？

正确回答：巴黎

爆笑回答：北京

爆笑评论：一看这个答案就是出自一位爱国的奋青之手，一切美好之稀世珍宝皆为伟大中国之所有，可是，不知道人家法国人民是不是同意了，世界要和平！如果确实不知道卢浮宫在哪里的话，就去《大富翁世界之旅3》中寻找答案吧！

十大爆笑回答第9名

问题：中国的人均森林面积居世界第几（ ）？

正确回答：第1位

爆笑回答：120位以后

爆笑评论：很肯定，这位答题者不是一个关心环保的人，很可能他的家里正在使用着大量的一次性筷子，如果真能像这位答题者的回答一样，那我们的身边将有更多的绿色，大家的心情会更舒坦，身体会更健康！可事实比较残忍，所以大家一定要从自己做起，培养自己的环保意识，记住，你不是一个人在战斗！

十大爆笑回答第8名

问题：大气中含量最大的气体是（ ）？

正确回答：氮气

爆笑回答：二氧化碳

爆笑评论：呃......对于这个问题不知道如何加以评论，假如真的二氧化碳成为含量最大的气体的话，那可能我们就要在水下看奥运和世博了。换个角度想，大家对二氧化碳这么熟悉，肯定都关注着厄尔尼诺现象，没人愿意老在水里泡着，那就和《大富翁世界之旅3》一起，去感受地球生活，维护地球环境！

十大爆笑回答第7名

问题：欧洲著名的斜塔是（ ）？

正确回答：比萨斜塔

爆笑回答：贝吉塔

爆笑评论：冷酷赛亚人王子，当年的《七龙珠》最佳男配角，无数的国内动漫爱好者都奉之为偶像，可是人家再酷，他也是个人呢（虽然是外星人），怎么着也和塔连不上关系，难道就因为他的名字后面有个“塔”字？唉......看来给娃娃起名的时候要留心呢！

十大爆笑回答第6名

问题：鲁迅先生笔下的著名人物“孔乙己”所生活的舞台背景是（ ）？

正确回答：绍兴

爆笑回答：莫斯科

五、◆◆◆◆初一英语趣闻、笑话、知识点◆◆◆◆

Tears of Ice-cream

One day , a new teacher came in a small school from a big city. At his first class, a boy asked,“I saw a word ice-cream from a book. But what is the ice -cream ?” What an easy question ! But for the children in a small village , it may be not . The teacher answered,“The ice-cream is made of ice, cream, chocolate and so on .”All the students are listening carefully . After that , a girl on the left asked,“what is chocolate?”The teacher was deep in thought: Those are the children’s favorite food in the city. But for them……. I should be a window to show them another wonderful world.

One month passed. The teacher got back home. He bought a box of ice-cream and covered with a quilt . In a hurry ,he went back to school. But it is too far , When the children saw him , he was sweating and the ice cream was tearing. White tears !

Golden childhood.

童年，是金色而无杂质的，童年的桩桩趣事就是最有力的见证.

Childhood is golden and pure, for which the funs of childhood provide sufficent evidence.

我小时候最害怕的莫过于蛇了，而乡下比我大两岁的表姐最爱玩蛇。

When I was a child, what I fear most is snake, however, playing with snakes was my cousin favorite, who 's 2 years older than me and lived in countryside.

一年夏季，我回乡下看望爷爷、奶奶。一天，表姐带我来到了一个小池塘玩。

In a summer day, When I paid a visit to my grandparents in the countryside, She took me to a small pound.

突然，我看到了一条小蛇，正用恶毒的眼光看着我，火红的舌头一吐一吐的， 吓的我腿都发抖了。

Suddenly, I saw a small snake glaring at me me viciously, sticking a blood red tougue. I felt my legs trembling with fear.

这时，我突然想起奶奶曾经告诉过我，遇见蛇不能怕，也不能跑。第一，把头发弄乱，万不可让她数清；第二，用舌头吓唬她，让她感到不安全而逃走。我想到这些，立马把原本好好的头发搞得一团糟，又乱吐舌头。

Then, I remembered that my grandmother once told me that you must not fear, or run at the sight of a snake. Firstly, muffle your hair messy so as not to allow the snake to count out your hair. Secondly, stick out your tongue to frighten the snake, and make it feel unsafe and flee. At the thought of these, I messed up my tidy hair, and stuck my tongue at it.

蛇的确感到不安了，掉头就跑。这时我才感喊：蛇！表姐赶紧跑过来，可是蛇一眨眼就不见了，这时我的心才逐渐安静下来。回到家里一照镜子，妈呀，我的头发乱蓬蓬的，就像草垛。奶奶一本正经的扒扒我的头发说：“小祖宗，鸡蛋让你弄哪去了？”哎，奶奶把我的头发当鸡窝了！

The snake seemed indeed agitated, and turned around, slid away. Finally, I found myself shouting Snake!, but the snake disapeared before my sister came up to me. My peaceful mind was regained. When I reached home, I gasped, because my hair was as messy as a pile of grass. My grandmother comed my hair with her hand and spoke in a matter-of-fact voice my

lady, where did you hide the eggs? oh, she was taking my hair as a chicken nest.

童年，宛若星空，又蓝又美；童趣，宛若星辰，照亮了星空，使原本漆黑的星空透出点点亮光。

Childhood is like a beautiful starry sky,

Childhood funs are like stars that light up the dark sky.

读英语，突然发现一个有趣现象：clever 聪明的

honest 诚实的

intelligent 智慧的

noble 高贵的

excellent 卓越的

smart 机灵的

elegant 优雅的

把这些英文字头放一起就是Chinese--中国

junk垃圾；

adult色鬼；

prostitute婊子；

ass蠢驴；

nasty下流；

evil魔鬼；

scamp流氓；

excrement臭狗屎

把这些英文字头放一起就是japanese--日本人 ！

英语笑话（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America.

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员，

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.

Why use my elbow and foot?

Well, gosh, was the reply, You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

英语笑话（七）Advice for Kid

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,Get the kid.

忠告“年轻者”

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，

千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

英语笑话（八）Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.

My husband looked up and said, Mom's here?

哪一位女人？

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”

英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs

Doctor, she said loudly, bouncing into the room, I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me.

He surveyed her from head to foot. Madam, he said at length, I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs.

医生住在楼下

“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

英语笑话（十）One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult.

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late.

At this point, one passenger became furious. For Pete's sake, he shouted, If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

A Piece Of Cake 小菜一碟

I knew little about English when I first came to America, so everyday I went to a language school to learn English. One day during the break I asked one of my classmates a question which I didn't understand. Then I thanked her for it , and she said: You are welcome! It's a piece of cake! I thought to myself: America is really a society for money in which everything is done for pay, so I asked her: I hadn't taken any pieces of cake with me today, what about a piece of biscuit?

She showed a puzzled expression first, then she smiled, Knowing that she hadn't got her words accoss，she said, A piece of cake means 'No problem', and it's just a raffle thing. On hearing that, I came to learn that a piece of cake not only means a piece of cake, but also means things that is very easy.

我刚到美国时,不太懂英语.于是我每天都到一所语言学校去学英语.一天在课间的时候,有个问题我不太懂,于是就问我的一个同学.她告诉了我答案,我向她道谢,她回道:没关系!It's a piece of cake!我心里在想,美国真的是一个金钱社会,做什么事情要都报酬.于是我说:我今天没有带蛋糕,来片饼干行么?

听到我的回答,她看起来很迷惑,然后她笑了,明白我没有听懂她的话.她说: A piece of cake的意思是'没关系',这只是一件小事情.听到她的话,我明白了,a piece of cake 不仅是一小块蛋糕,还指的是一件很容易做的事情.

随便在网上搜一下“英语俚语故事”就会发现一大把有关英语的趣事，篇幅不长，也简单

一次邓小平去美国交流。一位美国记者想刁难他，就用英语问美国的首都在哪里？邓小平一下子蒙了，但想想别人一上来一般都问姓，就说：“我姓邓。”（谐音“华盛顿”）记者楞了一下，又问你都在美国干些什么啊？邓小平想了想姓问了就问名字了吧，就说：“小平。”（谐音“shopping)记者暗地里佩服````A teacher said to her class:

Who was the first man?

“George Washington, a little boy shouted promptly.

How do you make out that George Washington was the first man? asked the teacher, smiling indulgently.

Because, said the little boy, he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.

But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.

Well, said the teacher to him, who do you think was the first man?

I don't know what his name was, said the larger boy, but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.

有个老师问班上的学生：

“谁是第一个男人？”

“乔治·华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。

“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢？”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。

小男孩说：“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。”

这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。

“那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢？”

“我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿取了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。” `